No one knows what it’s like to be the parent of “that kid” until you’ve been the parent of “that kid.” No one. That’s a fact.
I know. I have been one.
And over the last 30 years, I’ve met countless other parents who do too.
The stories vary, but the experiences are remarkably similar. Some typical examples:
- Finding out your child once again wasn’t invited to the sleepover
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- Getting yet another call from school (or the police) about impulsive troubling behavior (and the PTSD you have every time the phone rings worrying if it is another call about your child!).
- Being told by a first-grade teacher to medicate your child.
- Watching your child struggle with learning differences that make things that are easy for their peers feel nearly impossible, damaging their self-confidence.
- Learning your teen has given themself a reputation that even parents in the community know about (and often you are the last to know)
I could go on and on.
Our story:
This is the daughter who when she was in Kindergarten, after her third epic meltdown in a few weeks, was kicked out of school! The “We need you to come pick her up” call was followed a few days later with the “We don’t think we are the right school for you.”
Almost immediately we were iced out of the parent community. She was 6 years old and had never had a problem playing with friends, but suddenly all but two families wouldn’t let us schedule a play date or even have them over for dinner. People judged us, spoke about us behind our backs and wanted to keep their kids away.
She was 6 years old, it was March so too late to find a new school… my wife was consumed with caring for our younger 6 month old daughter, I was immersed in the demanding process of growing my business and our lives went to hell.
We were “that family” and she was “That Kid.”
Let me state as boldly as I can again:
No one knows what it’s like to be the parent of “that kid” until you’ve been the parent of “that kid.” No one. That’s a fact.
I don’t care how much professional training or experience someone has. Until you’ve lived it, you can never fully understand what it is like to be at developmental milestone ages and still be worrying constantly:
Is my kid ever going to be okay?
Parents who have lived this also share this experience in common:
The long list of specialists, experts, evaluations, diagnoses, and treatment plans they have tried… some they were referred to, others they found through online searches… all promising cures and huge results, often leading to just a string of discouraging “false starts” where either a little changes but not enough or doesn’t last, or nothing changes as it doesn’t work. The money spent. The string of appointments. Repeating the same background conversation to one after another specialist. It is exhausting, discouraging… and all too common.
If you’ve been there, you know exactly what I mean!
Nowhere in life are we more vulnerable than when it comes to our children.
I’ve lived the restless nights. The constant worry. The strain it puts on a marriage!
The guilt that comes from knowing one child is consuming so much time and energy while your other children are getting less than they deserve.
A Call From My Daughter:
My daughter is now 19 years old and absolutely kicking ass in life (and has become a serious climber). She is in an Honors program in college, has a world of
charismatic friends, is crushing it in her job and is unrecognizable from the timid shell of child she was.
A few days ago she called me from Colorado where she is working this summer, and told me about a conversation she had with her Physical Therapist.
He was sharing his deep concern about his 8-year-old daughter: Incredibly timid, struggles to make eye contact, hides behind her mom whenever they go out, always quiet in class.
Hearing his description, my daughter replied:
“That was me!”
Her PT couldn’t believe it.
“How could that be?” he asked. “You’re so confident and outgoing.”
She is.
But she hasn’t always been.
She really was “that kid” who was so intensely sensitive that she would literally faint when startled by a loud noise (more than 60 times between the ages of 1 and 6!) … too timid to order at a restaurant, even in Middle School. So many challenges that she spent years in classrooms feeling dumb.
Not any more.
So when she asked me what she could tell this Dad to reassure him about his daughter and to learn more about what we did to get through all this, it brought a tear to my eye as it always does when I think about those years.
It is so damn humbling.
I told her in simple tell him these three things:
Rule number one:
Don’t give in to the fear that they will never be okay.
You have to believe in them having an amazing future and life even when no one else does.
Rule number two:
Always trust your gut! Don’t blindly accept the conclusions of experts whose advice or treatment doesn’t work. It’s well intended and may work for some people, but if it doesn’t for you, move on.
When our daughter was five years old, a pediatrician she suddenly became terrified of and went into panic in her office, told us that her distress was the result of us being too soft and that we needed to be much stricter. She handed me a book about how to be a no nonsense parent.
Instead of putting that short-sighted advice into practice, we left the practice.
We found another pediatrician whom she loved. Fifteen years later, she still stays in touch with her.
Another: At one point, the head of our daughter’s Waldorf elementary school responded to concerns about her learning challenges by saying:
“She’s so pretty. She’ll be fine.”
You can’t make this stuff up!
That was the last time I ever listened to that teacher’s advice or opinions.
Rule Number Three:
Keep going until you build the right team. No one does this alone!
I’m sure some of you can relate to this one:
• After spending thousands of dollars on tutors who weren’t helping, we finally found properly trained Learning Specialists who understood how she learned and knew how to teach to her specific learning profile.
Game changer.
• We found an overnight summer camp that partnered with us with humility. Instead of just saying the magic would happen by being there, they worked with us to make sure she was appropriately challenged while always feeling tangibly supported. They made sure she would succeed at a time in life when she – and we – desperately needed a “Win”.
Game changer.
• We found a high school that required her to be outside her comfort zone while surrounding her with patient, encouraging Educators who partnered closely with us and our small team of advisors, helping create the balance between support and independence she needed.
There is no replacement for a teacher or school who partners with you.
Game changer!
There are many more stories, but ours is not unique. In fact, it echoes countless success stories I’ve witnessed over the years:
The parents who refused to quit. The adults who refused to define a child by their struggles. The people who saw possibilities instead of problems.
So if you’re the parent of “that kid,” here’s what we came to believe and find true:
The world is filled with success stories that seemed impossible at the beginning.
Every one of those stories includes people who believed in them when others didn’t.
Parents who refused to quit and committed to doing their part in this, even when it wasn’t easy.
People who kept searching until they found what actually worked.
Believe in the best of who they can become, even when current reality makes that difficult.
Build your village – finding the right team of support matters.
I feel for you deeply, as a partner with some of you on your and your teen’s journey, and as a fellow parent who has lived it.
You are not alone.
